Recognizing the Signs: When a Loved One's Drinking or Drug Use Has Become a Problem

One of the questions I hear most often is some version of: "How do I know if this is actually a problem?" Whether it's a partner, a parent, an adult child, or a close friend, it can be genuinely hard to tell the difference between someone going through a rough patch and someone who is developing a substance use disorder.

It usually doesn't happen overnight. It happens one decision at a time, the same way it did for me. That makes it easy to explain away in the moment and much clearer only in hindsight.

A few patterns are worth paying attention to. Changes in mood, behaviour, or relationships that don't have an obvious explanation. Increasing secrecy about where they are, who they're with, or what they're doing. Substance use that seems to be less about socializing and more about managing stress, anxiety, boredom, or pain. Missed responsibilities at work, school, or home that wouldn't have been missed before. And perhaps most telling: a pattern where the amount or frequency of use keeps increasing, and what used to feel like "enough" no longer does.

None of these signs on their own means someone has a substance use disorder. But together, and over time, they're worth taking seriously.

If you're noticing these changes, the most useful thing you can do is not to confront, accuse, or try to control the situation, but to open a conversation rooted in concern rather than judgment. Ask questions. Listen more than you speak. Let the person know you've noticed changes and that you care, without demanding they change immediately.

If you believe someone is in immediate danger, please contact emergency services or a crisis line right away. For situations that are serious but not an emergency, a conversation with a recovery coach, counsellor, or physician can help you figure out the right next step.

You don't have to figure this out alone, and neither does the person you're worried about. If you'd like to talk through what you're seeing and what your options are, I'm happy to have that conversation with you.